From Great Love to Painful Heartbreak

My first love was something that I will never forget and always hold close to my heart. It was so much more than your typical "first love" it was a great love, a deep and passionate love. I was so head over heels in love with him, that I would have done damn near anything for him. I truly believed that I would one day be his wife. When we were together he had a way of making me feel like I was the funniest, most beautiful, smartest, luckiest, and sexiest woman alive. We were the absolute best of friends and lovers. We shared a great love, my first great love.

Good loving is hard to find, you got lucky babe, when I found you. - Tom Petty

Sure, I could sit here and write pages and pages about the love that we shared and about every detail of our relationship and times that we spent together, but what does that do? It just brings pain to my heart. I have spent the last almost three years now, just trying to erase him from my life. Every last memory. I sometimes wish I couldn't remember anything from our time together. I wish that I could just pull all of my memories of us, and everything that we shared, out of my head and just set them on fire. I have tried so hard, for so long to just block that part of my life out. But despite my greatest efforts to move on and forget, I just can't seem to. We spent some of the greatest, most memorable times of my life together, but the end of our relationship has also caused some of the worst and most painful memories.

It has almost been three years since we split up and I can truthfully say that there is almost never a day that goes by that he doesn't at least cross my mind. When I think about him, it still hurts just as bad as it did three years ago. My stomach gets tight, my heart hurts to its core, and the insecurities instantly begin to overflow. Sure, I have had my share of relationships since him, but none that have even come close to making me feel the way I did when I was with him. Just sitting here writing this tears pour down my face and I can hardly even make out the words on the screen in front of me.

"Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long

No matter what I say or do 

I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone"

- Sara Bareilles

I have tried too many times to remain a part of his life, from trying to be his friend to trying to be his lover again, but I am not in love with him anymore. It is as simple as this, he is a different person now than he was when we were together. Which is fine, I am a lot different now too. I honestly want nothing more than for him to be happy and he will forever hold a very special place in my heart. There will always be a part of me that loves him. What I really wish is to be able to find a way to remember the good times that we shared without constantly feeling the pain of losing a great love. I think the thing that makes me the most upset, and is making it the hardest to move on, is the fear of never finding a love like this again. That is a thought that plagues my mind and brings darkness and sadness to my heart. I pray daily to be able to, one day,  find a great love that I can hold onto forever. One that stands the test of time, that is built upon common morals, love, patience, communication and a love for God. One that is full of respect, honesty, and trust. And most importantly, one that my children will be able to look up to and value above all else. Despite my fear of not finding it, I remain hopeful. And for now, that is enough.