Self Image

The way that women perceive themselves, as far as their image goes, is something that needs to change. A couple of our nation's greatest epidemics are eating disorders and unhealthy weight loss. Did you know that 80% of U.S. women are dissatisfied with the way that they look. That is just the women in this country. Whether it is their hair, weight, skin, face, etc. the women in this country (myself included) are so busy hating themselves for the way that they look that they complete dismiss the beauty that IS there. It's really sad to know that there are so many people out there that dislike themselves so much that they would take extreme measures to change the way they look. In the U.S. alone, over 10 million women suffer from eating disorders. These women are literally doing anything that they can to fit that mold of what is supposedly beautiful, despite the harsh reality of what this is actually doing to their bodies.

For centuries women have been striving to fit this frame of what is considered beautiful and have been torturing themselves to achieve it. Look at the women in the 1800's and their rib and lung crushing corsets. These women went to extreme lengths to look a certain way because society told them that they had to in order to be seen as beautiful. And now we have women starving themselves, making themselves throw up, amongst other terrible things, all to be rail skinny like society is telling them they have to be in order to be seen as beautiful. This makes my heart ache. Nobody should ever have to cause physical harm to themselves in order to be seen as beautiful by the rest of the world. Not only are we going to these great lengths and causing great harm to ourselves, but what kind of message are we sending to today's youth, and our own children about self image by behaving the way that we are. According to the National Eating Disorders Association 42% of 1st-3rd graders want to lose weight AND a horrifying 81% of 10 year old are afraid to be fat. This absolutely blows my mind. Children should be thinking about going out and having fun and being kids, not stressing about being skinny and dieting.

Women of the world need to come together and realize what real beauty is. It is more about what is inside and less about if you're a size 2. Realizing that nobody is perfect and that we all have things that we dislike about ourselves is the first step to really loving who you are and how you look no matter what. Of course it is ok to want to better yourself and try to be the best you that you can be, I think that it's a great idea to strive to be the best 'you' that you can be; but doing it in a healthy way is the only way to make your results last and to truly achieve satisfaction. The number one thing that a woman needs to be seen as truly beautiful is to wear her personality on her sleeve and embrace who she is! CONFIDENCE IS SEXY!!! Be confident in who you are and what you're working with! I cannot reiterate that enough. If you're curvy embrace your curves. If you're tall, wear heels! If you're short, own it. If you're super skinny rock that. Rather than focusing all of your energy and attention on the things about yourself that you don't like, turn it into something positive. Focus and accentuate the things that you do like! Next time you're looking at yourself in the mirror, rather than thinking something negative find something positive. Say it out loud. Above all else, be a good role model. Nobody is perfect and we all have things that we dislike, but if you do choose to do something about it, go about it in a healthy way. Think about what kind of affect we can have on the next generation of women. No single person has the power to change the way that society perceives beauty, but if we all work together, love ourselves and each other more, we can really make a huge difference.

Everything Happens For a Reason

The song came on and I was instantly taken back, back to a place that is now just a memory. A place in time that once existed and now merely ceases to exist. We had met years ago, strangely enough, through my first love. And although, I didn't remember much of him from back then, his name always stuck in the back of my mind. Years went by without seeing or speaking to one another and then one night fate brought us together again. I had decided to go out to the bar with some friends of mine that I had never really hung out with before. They had been trying for weeks to get me to go out with them and I was just never really into it. Then on this particular night I, for whatever reason, changed my mind. We saw each other and he came over and started talking to me. We talked for maybe five minutes that night, and I spent the majority of my night hanging out with his brother (who I was better acquainted with) and my other friends. The next day, for whatever reason, I couldn't get him off my mind. I was really bummed that I hadn't talked to him more when I had the chance, so I took a leap and I reached out and contacted him. We talked and he asked me if I wanted to hang out. So the next night we went bowling, he told me that he was only in town for a few more days before he had to go back to the other side of the world where he taught English.

 I was bummed because I was already starting to really like him. I promised myself that I wasn't going to get attached that we were just going to hang and have fun while he was in town and then when he left, I would forget it ever happened. The days went by way too fast and before I knew it, it was time for him to leave. I kissed him goodbye and watched him walk to his truck. As I watched him walk away I instantly thought to myself, SHIT, I broke my promise. It had only been a few days, but over those days I had felt a strong connection with him. One that I was not going to ignore just because he was going back to the other side of the world. We stayed in contact via text and Facebook for the first week and after that we started Skyping. Every chance we got. I talked to him more than I talked to my friends and family. We spent all of our free time talking to each other. Just really getting to know one another. The more we talked, the more I fell for him. He was the smartest guy I had ever met, he was so sweet, genuine, kindhearted, and had a love for God that I admired. I was crazy about this guy, but he was so far from me. We started dating, long distance, and it wasn't easy, ever, but something in my heart kept telling me that it is worth it. Be patient Jamie, this is all going to be worth it once he gets home, I just kept telling myself. He had told his parents about me and we all wanted to sit down and have dinner and get to know each other better, so I arranged to go over to their home for dinner. He was still away, so it was just his parents and I was freaking out, but it turned out to be a great night and I loved them from the start. They were so welcoming and kind and I thoroughly enjoyed getting to know them. A couple months later he finally came home and we were able to be together.

Being together in person was so much harder than this online relationship that we had created. Things started to get really real. We would get on each others nerves just like any couple does and it took a lot out of both of us to try to make a smooth transition from what was this perfect long distance relationship to a functioning tangible relationship. Needless to say, it didn't work out. He was right when he said that I needed to work on myself and figure out what I wanted out of life and what makes me happy on my own without him. Obviously HE made me happy, but there has to be something more. There has to be that element of self-righteousness without the constant reassurance from someone else. I needed that. I needed to find myself, figure out who I am in this world. What I want, what makes me happy, what makes me tick! Everything in this life has a purpose and happens for a reason. Regardless of if you can see the reason that it is happening or not, there is a reason behind it. I am so blessed and I am so grateful for the things that I learned from him and from being with him, but our time together had come to an end and it was time for me to embark on my next journey. It ended on very good terms, he is a great guy and I truly wish him nothing but happiness and success in his life and endeavors .

Nobody Said it Would be Easy

Uprooting your life to move to a foreign country is something that most people only dream of. I know I was one of those people for the majority of  my life. When the opportunity finally presented itself, I did not hesitate even for a second. In fact, I think that it is safe to say that it has been the most rash decision that I have ever made in my life. Once I committed to coming here, I was beyond thrilled and excited to get out of the black hole of a town that I have called home for my entire life. Being here has been one of the most mind boggling experiences of my life. The concept of moving to a place where you literally know nobody and do not speak even a word of the language is something that I clearly did not take into account when deciding to move here. Although it has been fun, full of adventure, and brought me extreme joy at times, it has never, not even for even a second, been easy to live here.

Yes, I love where I live now. It is so peaceful, and safe and is comprised of some of the most beautiful things that I have ever seen. Yet I still find myself left with a feeling of emptiness. As I sit in my room, alone, on a Friday night, at the ripe age of 22 and single I cannot help but think to myself how pathetic I am. GET A LIFE!!!! I keep telling myself over and over, but nobody ever said it would be easy. It is so hard. It is so hard to meet people. It is hard to communicate. It is hard to navigate my way around. It is hard to go and do things with only my feet and a bike for transportation. It is hard to not have the food that I like. It is hard to have virtually no friends. And dammit it is really hard to be away from my family. I never thought that I would say this, but I really miss Redding. I want nothing more in this moment than to be home surrounded by those that I love and those that love me.

Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying my time here. I love the people that I live with, and my job. It is so peaceful and very relaxing living the life that I am. It is very low maintenance and I can do just about anything that I want to. However, it would be a lot more fulfilling and enjoyable if I had some freaking friends to hang out with! I like myself, and I do like my alone time, but damn. I want to get out there and spread my wings and meet some people and interact. I am so desperate for interaction with people my age that it is slowly killing me inside.

Having My Cake and Eating it Too

Most people dream every night, although they often cannot remember what they've dreamed of. I typically remember a lot of what I dream. Not everyday, but when I do remember, it is in great detail and pretty darned vivid. Like most others, I have my share of strange dreams, the funny ones, and even nightmares. However, most often my dreams mimic Disney fairy tales and romantic comedies from the 50's. In my dreams, I am the star, the leading actress if you will. My dreams are predominately made up of songs and dance in place of your average conversation. I guess you could say that I have musical dreams. Despite how wonderful the majority of the dream is, it regularly ends the same. The male lead find some other woman more interesting and appealing than I, and I am left alone. Then I wake up. 

What a terrible way to start the day. Thinking that you're not worth keeping and that you're so easy to just give up on and not worth the fight. That in itself is downright depressing and can hurt a girl's self esteem. If you're anything like me, you often take your dreams way too seriously. I have woken up so mad at people for what they have done in my dreams that I do not even want to speak to them. Only to have to remind myself that it was not reality and that I need to get over it, shake it off. These dreams though, they seem so real. They're full of romance and love and hope, but for whatever reason they always end in heartache and sadness and disappointment. So what if I change my fairy tale before it makes me upset again? 

Here is goes:

YES! I think that I could really be onto something here. Traveling, concerts, not getting cheated on, and most importantly putting myself first, SIGN ME UP!!! Putting myself first, what a refreshing thought. I have not done that (until now) since I was in high school, because when you are in a relationship, you sometimes lose sight of reality and start to act crazy and put others before yourself and that is called love. I could do anything, be anything! The more I thought about it, the more other things came to mind, such as wouldn't a person get lonely if they just gave up on love and finding their soul mate? The end to their fairy tale evolves into being alone and making money. That just sounds so sad to me. Sure, you would have a lot of money and wouldn't have to worry about someone saying "go make me a sandwich" but you would also have nobody with whom you can share any of your success and travels. Makes it all seem kind of worthless without having someone to share it with. That, in my opinion, is not a life worth living. I want happiness and a great love, and those are two things that are difficult to obtain without the presence of someone who is worth sharing.

As I thought more about my dreams and desires along with the new fairy tale I had created in my mind, I began to think and, sure enough, *light bulb* I have got it! What if I combine the two?! I want to be able to travel, be successful, have the toilet seat be in the proper position AND have my great love. Who is to say that I cannot obtain all of these things all the while achieving and maintaining a spectacular, fairy tale type love that makes me want to sing and dance in place of conversation. Like I have said time and time again, what is the point in doing all of these things if you have nobody to share them with? Some people would call this dependent. Insinuating that I am dependent on others in order to be happy myself, but it is not dependancy. I am not depending on someone else for my happiness, I can be happy all on my own, but it is so much more fulfilling and meaningful if you're able to bring that joy and lightness to someone else. I want my great love to know the joys that I have and embark on the journeys that I take with me. He can even ask me to make him a sandwich every once in a while, and I wouldn't kill him if he occasionally forgot to return the toilet seat to its proper position. Individual happiness and success, along with great love, are attainable, simultaneously. It is all about balance, compromise, patience, and a determination to live out your fairy tale and enjoy your happy ending. I can have my cake and eat it too, and so can you!

The Aftermath

The night that my first love ended, it seemed that there was a mutual sense of understanding between the two of us, that despite the fact that we once shared a deep love for one another, it was just over. We went back to our bedroom and both started packing my stuff so that I could move out the next day. As we packed, we cried. We would take turns, first I would lay in his arms and cry and once I got it together long enough to look up I'd see him crying as well. It was the most heartbreaking experience I've ever been through. It was the last night we spent together as a couple. The next day we would go our separate ways and tell our friends and family that it was over. The next couple months were kind of a blur. I moved back in with my parents, but wasn't really there all that much. I spent most of my time with friends, or at work, I worked all but two days the entire month of July that year due to a lack of employees. I guess you could call it a blessing in disguise, something to keep me busy, but even when I was at work, I wasn't really there. I was always just kind of going through the motions. It was like I was having a constant out of body experience, it was the strangest feeling.

"Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt

Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve

But people are people and sometimes it doesn't work out

Nothing we say is going to save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy

 Never a clean break, no one here to save me

You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand"

- Taylor Swift (Breathe)

 I cried practically non stop for two months.  It didn't matter where I was, at home, at work, in the car, at my friend's house, at the store. My mind was always in a distant place, going over every detail, thinking of what I could have said or done differently to try to save what I had.  This was a new feeling, one that I had not yet experienced, and I knew right away that it was not a good one and that I hated it. It was a sharp, constant pain, all the way to the bottom of my heart. My body ached, hurting over the breakup. I had never felt like this before. Sure, I had been sad, who hasn't? But this was different. It was like a throbbing way down deep in my soul. I felt paralyzed. There were days that I did not leave my bed except to use the restroom. It was pitiful, and looking back one of the hardest times of my life. I couldn't eat. In fact the sight and smell of food made me extremely nauseated. Sleeping had become a rarity, and insomnia had become a new way of life. When I did sleep it was not for long. My dreams were filled with what my reality had become and that was worse than any nightmare I had ever had.

Shortly thereafter, I had slipped into a pretty deep depression and I stopped caring about everything, especially myself. I moved out of my parents house pretty quickly, into an apartment with a friend on Lake Blvd., behind a sports bar. For those of you who aren't from Redding, Ca, it is the epitome of a sketchy neighborhood and pretty unsafe to live there. Especially for two 19 year old girls on their own. This was when my determination to "forget" everything between us started. I was tired of feeling constant pain. I tried so many different things to just numb myself from the feeling anything. Things that, to this day, I am ashamed to say that I've done. I tried everything from obsessively working out, binge drinking almost nightly, making sure I was constantly high, getting intimate with guys I didn't care about, and more. Sure these were all temporary solutions to a much deeper much more serious problem, but nothing ever lasted. I hated it. I hated who I was becoming.

Then one day a few months later, I met someone new. He was quite a bit older than me, 11 years to be exact, but I was instantly drawn to him. He asked me for my number and of course I gave it to him. I suddenly felt a sense of hope that my sadness was coming to an end. I started getting my act together and stopped all of negative things that I was doing prior to meeting him. We started dating and it was great. We had some really fun and adventurous dates, but our favorite was going out for breakfast to Deja Vu. We got along so well and would spend a lot of time together. To us, there was no age difference. We were on the same level regardless of what number "age" we had tagged on our back. For a while, he made me really happy. I was always wanting to spend time with him, but that started to change after a while. We stopped spending as much time together and I soon began to feel that the feelings I had were not being reciprocated. It always seemed like, with him, everything was more important than spending time with me. He worked 4 days on 3 days off and then 3 days on 4 days off, similar to a schedule that a fire fighter has. And although he did not have to sleep overnight for his job, like a firefighter, he might as well have. It was absolutely shocking and unbelievable to me that he could go 3 and 4 days at a time without so much as a text much to me. I would call and text him and sometimes, if I was lucky, he would reply, but it was rare on days that he was working to hear from him at all. It sucked. That was a really good way to make someone feel like shit and extremely unimportant. He told me he loved me, but as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. That was something that he obviously didn't understand. We eventually broke up and it sucked. We had a lot of mutual friends, but one in particular was a dear friend of mine and of his. Shortly after we broke up, they started seeing other. I had never been so full of rage and hatred for anyone in all of my life. Everything started to make sense. I had heard rumors about them before, but never even gave them a thought until this. To this day, I do not know if any of the rumors were true or not, and that is what they remain, rumors. But I don't care to know the truth. What does that change? I am better off without friends like that in my life anyway. I had fallen back into some of my old habits and desperately needed to figure out my life. What do I want out of life, what am I worth, and who can I count on?

It was like a major wake up call. An epiphany, if you will. I had recently moved in with a new roommate. It was a much better neighborhood, and I had decided that I was never going to let myself self-destruct again. What good did that do? NONE!!! It just made me feel worse. I don't regret that time in life, because I learned so much about life and myself in that time, but I was elated to be back on track. My new roomie and her boyfriend were very into their Faith in God. At the time, I was a believer, but not a true follower. I called myself a Christian, but I did not in any way practice my faith, but that was all about to change. I was determined to change. I hated the person that I had let myself become, and I wanted to be better, to do better.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Why blog on a public forum?

Since I started this blog, I have a lot of feedback from my readers, good and bad. (Keep it coming!!!) I love it, it helps me to be a better writer. One of the most frequently asked questions is, if I am writing this for myself, why am I putting my blog on a public forum for the world to see? Trust me, it was not easy to put all of my most personal thoughts and feeling out there for the world to see, criticize and talk about. Some say that I am doing it as a cry for attention, some love reading it and ask for more, while others say that it is too personal and it should be kept to myself. This is what I say.

"The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, 

but the things you do for others remain as your legacy." 

-Kalu Ndukwe Kalu

Yes, I started this blog for myself. It is extremely therapeutic and I thoroughly enjoy writing it. It is one of the many things that I do that makes me happy and keeps me sane! Since I decided to move to Germany to be an Au Pair and start the search for who I am, I have had more people than I can count contact me telling me that what I am doing is inspiring them. They say that they love reading my posts on Facebook about my adventures and cannot wait to see what I am going to do next, and that my Faith in God and the way I talk about Him is uplifting and encouraging. So that is why I started broadcasting my blog on the internet. If something as little as my pictures and posts on Facebook can have such a strong, positive impact on others, then what do I have to lose by sharing this silly little blog with them. If I can touch just one of my readers in a positive way, then it makes it all worth it. 

"It ain't no fun if the homies can't have none."

-Snoop Dogg 

Trading In My Sorrows For Happiness

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect.
 It means that you have decided to look past the imperfections."

Today I feel so happy and hopeful for what ever is to come in life. It is so relaxing and extremely comforting knowing that I am taken care of. Sitting here, thinking about life, giving praise to God, listening to music, and talking to friends is all I need for now. The sun is out, finally, it's a beautiful day and I am so happy and thankful to be alive. God is so good. I wish I could find a way to hold onto this feeling forever. A great friend recently told me that "when you're happy embrace it, do something that inspires you, try to stay in this moment forever. I'm convinced that's what enlightenment is." I think he couldn't be more right. I came to Germany to let go of everything, my past, my insecurities, and most of all my fear of not always being in control of life. It is so freeing to just leave your cares behind and do what puts a smile on your face. I think that is my new goal, to just try to live a more carefree life. I have always been SO serious. Its time to be more lighthearted, easy-going and just all around secure in who I am and what I am doing. If it makes me happy and isn't causing harm to anyone else, then I'm going to fully embrace it.

The ABC's Of Happiness. Good Stuff

I am beyond blessed for every experience in my life. Good and bad. I thank God for them everyday because they have helped to shape me into the woman I am today. And that is someone that I am proud to be. Despite all of the pain and heartache I have encountered in my life, I am not giving up on love. Who am I kidding, I am a hopeless romantic. There is no way that I could stop believing in my great love if I wanted to. I wholeheartedly believe that not only does everything happen for a reason, but that God has perfect timing and that when the time is right, he will bless me with the man of my dreams. Who knows he could be right under my nose and I don't even realize it.

From Great Love to Painful Heartbreak

My first love was something that I will never forget and always hold close to my heart. It was so much more than your typical "first love" it was a great love, a deep and passionate love. I was so head over heels in love with him, that I would have done damn near anything for him. I truly believed that I would one day be his wife. When we were together he had a way of making me feel like I was the funniest, most beautiful, smartest, luckiest, and sexiest woman alive. We were the absolute best of friends and lovers. We shared a great love, my first great love.

Good loving is hard to find, you got lucky babe, when I found you. - Tom Petty

Sure, I could sit here and write pages and pages about the love that we shared and about every detail of our relationship and times that we spent together, but what does that do? It just brings pain to my heart. I have spent the last almost three years now, just trying to erase him from my life. Every last memory. I sometimes wish I couldn't remember anything from our time together. I wish that I could just pull all of my memories of us, and everything that we shared, out of my head and just set them on fire. I have tried so hard, for so long to just block that part of my life out. But despite my greatest efforts to move on and forget, I just can't seem to. We spent some of the greatest, most memorable times of my life together, but the end of our relationship has also caused some of the worst and most painful memories.

It has almost been three years since we split up and I can truthfully say that there is almost never a day that goes by that he doesn't at least cross my mind. When I think about him, it still hurts just as bad as it did three years ago. My stomach gets tight, my heart hurts to its core, and the insecurities instantly begin to overflow. Sure, I have had my share of relationships since him, but none that have even come close to making me feel the way I did when I was with him. Just sitting here writing this tears pour down my face and I can hardly even make out the words on the screen in front of me.

"Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long

No matter what I say or do 

I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone"

- Sara Bareilles

I have tried too many times to remain a part of his life, from trying to be his friend to trying to be his lover again, but I am not in love with him anymore. It is as simple as this, he is a different person now than he was when we were together. Which is fine, I am a lot different now too. I honestly want nothing more than for him to be happy and he will forever hold a very special place in my heart. There will always be a part of me that loves him. What I really wish is to be able to find a way to remember the good times that we shared without constantly feeling the pain of losing a great love. I think the thing that makes me the most upset, and is making it the hardest to move on, is the fear of never finding a love like this again. That is a thought that plagues my mind and brings darkness and sadness to my heart. I pray daily to be able to, one day,  find a great love that I can hold onto forever. One that stands the test of time, that is built upon common morals, love, patience, communication and a love for God. One that is full of respect, honesty, and trust. And most importantly, one that my children will be able to look up to and value above all else. Despite my fear of not finding it, I remain hopeful. And for now, that is enough.

Preface

Blogging is a beautiful thing. It allows people from all over the world, from all different walks of life, to connect to one another through the written language via the internet. I am, and always have been, facinated by the idea of blogging, but have feared actually blogging myself. People who spill their guts on the internet have always seemed so brave to me. Putting your feelings about anything and everything out on the internet for the world to see, judge and criticize. I've never even thought about being half as honest about the stuff these people talk about with myself, let alone the entire world. Then I thought to myself, why not? Why not be honest about everything? There must be something that I am avoiding confronting, or in denial about if I am really that afraid about being so open and honest.

Someone said to me, a few months back, that I need to work on myself, and honestly, that destroyed me inside. I thought I was a fine enough person. Honest, reliable, funny, outgoing, smart, driven, and in my eyes so much more... I cried for days and was really down on myself. Then I realized this person was right, and something in my life is missing. I was also right though, I am great! However, I do need to work on myself. We all do. Every second that we spend on this precious planet should be spent working on ourselves. Trying to create the very best us that we can. I moved to Germany two months ago to find myself. I am one of many lost souls wandering this planet searching, burning with desire to find my calling. What is it in my life that I love? that I long to devote myself to? What is it that I stand for, what makes me happy, and most importantly who am I? So I am determined to do that and I want to use this blog to go back and relive the highlights of my adolescent and adult life.

                              “If you want to find the trail, if you want to find yourself,

                              you must explore your dreams alone.

                              You must grow at a slow pace in a dark cocoon of

                              loneliness so you can fly like wind, like wings, when you awaken.”
                              ― Francesca Lia Block, Dangerous Angels

This blog won't be all emotional and depressing. Haha! There will be a lot of uplifting and positive posts, spiritual posts and lots of funny stuff. My sense of humor is one of the things that I like most about myself. I hope that people read this and enjoy it, but ultimately, this one is for me. :)